Strive to Remember
by lose-your-voice
Summary: Haku had led a normal life. He was homeschooled for as long as he could remember. Then he is pushed into going to a public school. And he wonders who is this Chihiro girl that insists that he knows her. Who would wait for someone like that? HakuxChihiro
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Miyazaki. But this story is mine. In this story, there are two points of view. I, lose-your-voice, will be writing the story from Haku's point of view while my good friend, dumbledoresbumblebee, will will write the story from Chihiro's point of view. To view Chihiro's point of view, you'll have to go to my friend's profile. IF you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

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Chapter One: First Impressions 

I saw her face: a memory that was out of my reach teased me. But I couldn't remember. Not completely. She seemed strangely familiar, as if I'd dreamed of her before. But I haven't, I was certain of that.

But her face irritated me to no end. The vague remembrance danced above my head, never leaving my mind in peace. Who was she? Why did she seem strangely familiar? I glanced at her again and looked away. She wasn't interesting in any slight way. She was plain, just like every other female here. She wasn't special. Nonetheless, my mind wouldn't rest.

I looked out the window, blocking my thoughts. The dust that was gathering on the edges of the windowpane, the mold that was growing in the corner of the wall against the door was more interesting than this class.

This was a waste of time. I should have stayed at home, being schooled by a package that was mailed every semester. At least with that type of education, I had the challenge of finishing a semester's course in three weeks.

That was more challenging. Of course, mother thought a healthier experience was to be surrounded by peers. She _insisted_ my attendance at a public school, where 70 of children my age are educated. Mother thought it was unhealthy to have a lack of human contact. Who gave her that despicable thought? Who implanted that infuriating idea in her mind? Who poisoned her thoughts with the very essence of human communication?

"Haku."

I turned to face the greasy haired, overweight, idiotic professor. What did he want? He stared at me, of course he knew I wasn't paying attention. He knew this already and he knew I was smarter than anyone gave me credit for. Why was he _bothering_ me if we both knew that I had the knowledge to answer any question he throws without fault?

"Answer number 15," came his voice in an irritated tone.

I looked down and spat out in a clearly effortless tone, "Cellular respiration." And the teacher, satisfied, turned and called out his next victim. He called on one of the plain, simple females that were found in this class. Of course I was correct, when wasn't I? This course had been too easy; it wasn't interesting enough to alert myself to. I stared out as the wind blew the leaves of a far-off tree. The leaves tumbled and fell onto the pavement without a sound. I looked to the farther edge of the window to the still parking lot. Not a soul in sight. Cars of every color were stationed, trapped. The fiery reds, the botanic greens and ivories, the pessimistic browns and black, the loveliest of blues.

I felt trapped inside this classroom.

Then, something caught my attention as the professor was yelling to someone. I turned my head and saw the plain girl, whirling around, like a lunatic. There were tears streaming down her face, making her eyes turn red. She was frantic, searching for something it seemed. The other students shrieked annoyingly comments such as 'rat' and other obnoxious things. I was far from her and I was secretly glad of that. She began to crawl on the floor, searching for her lost possession. I was intrigued, this did not happen everyday.

Idiotically, she bumped into a boy's leg. He said something I could not hear and threw an object at her. With the light, the object glinted in the sun and I squinted at eyes at the reflection. It was gold, solid gold. No one seemed to notice but I found it strange. A middle school girl with an object made of solid gold, how precious was that to her? Why did she have it? Strangely, I think I've seen it before. But I couldn't remember _when_. A wave of anger boiled up. Why wasn't I able to remember these things? My memory was flawless; my comprehension was higher than 80 of the world's population. So why couldn't I remember a simple object? This angered me, beyond all doubt.

A wash of relief swept through her face as the overweight professor, enraged, pulled her by the shirt and dragged her out the door. The girl didn't seem to understand the fact that she was going to be scolded thoroughly? Like I said, better than 80.

Then his raspy voice came, "Until I get back, Haku will take care of attendance as a way to get to know the class. Oh, and Haku, this right here is Chihiro, make sure not to mark her absent."

Great. I'm forced to communicate with these sniveling, back-stabbing morons. Their sniveling faces turned to me at once; they seemed enthusiastic at a new face and the fact that the teacher was not going to be present. Once the teacher closed the door behind him, there was a mob, yes this was a _mob_, of my peers at my desk. They were telling me and almost commanding me to not mark them absent or to mark so-and-so absent as a ruse and so on. This was most annoying. I sat up and headed over to the teacher's desk. At his desk, I checked attendance, making sure that no idiotic pre-teen was trying to trick me. After that I simply stood, while their spoke amongst themselves. This was not a great first day.

The minute passed by slowly and I was still standing by the professor's desk. I sighed and grabbed the grotesquely colored yellow pass and I headed for the men's bathroom. On my return from the bathroom, I dropped the pass and reached down to retrieve it.

"Haku?"

I turned, hearing my name. It was that girl, the one that had been crawling on the floor, searching for her possession. I gave her a questioning look and it seemed to make her nervous. I could hear the unevenness of her voice.

"Um, did you come here to find me like you said you would?"

_What_ was this girl rambling about? Finding her like I said I would? I've never spoken to her before; much less tell her that I would some _looking_ for her. Why would she ask such a thing? The stupidity of her question made me only blurt out, in my cold tone,

_"What?"_

The girl was instantly appalled. The expression depicted on her face showed her pain.

"Don't you remember me?" she asked, almost pleaded.

She was surprising me more by the second. Maybe she was the lunatic that she looked like when she was crawling on the floor of the classroom. I could barely muster a response. How should I carry on a conversation with someone who is obviously delirious?

So I decided to spit out, "What are you talking about? I've never seen you before in my life."

This was the absolute truth.

So, I did not feel remorse when the girl slid down, about to break into tears. I didn't particularly want to watch her; she would probably want to save face. So, I walked away. Thankfully, the girl was a silent crier. My footsteps echoing in the empty hallways were the only noises to be heard.

I was almost thrilled when the bell rang, ending my sentence here. The bell was a long, shrieking sound. Any sane human would crumble into a ball and cover their ears from hearing that sound all day. Apparently, we were all drones. I grabbed my bag and threw it over my left shoulder. Before the rest of the class could react, I was walking down my row and heading out the door. Before I could reach my escape, before I could let out an exhausted breath of carbon dioxide, I bumped into a classmate. She lowered her head to face her feet, a sign of weakness. Her cheeks colored a light shade of rose; she was clearly embarrassed. She muttered something so softly I couldn't hear. Her voice was humble but I walked past her without a second thought.

I walked out into the breeze and sighed. Another day was over, only around two hundred more. Only a handful more years until I was done with this prison. The breeze blew my hair just like it blew the leaves. My hair whipped around, it almost reached my shoulders. The fresh air lightened my mood and I could smile now. Other hundreds of children filed out, heading for their homes.

I walked on, they didn't interest me either. My home was close but not close enough. The trip home always lasted around thirty minutes but it wasn't a total waste. It burned some time from my twenty-four hours.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you reviewers! I appreciate all the reviews I recieve.

Oh, by the way, remember that the person who writes the Chihiro version is my friend, not me.

Chapter Two

"Her"

This was it. I've had enough of these ridiculous thoughts. I lie in bed, unable to sleep, thinking. I rolled over, turned back, took a shower, changed and still I cannot sleep. I cannot rest. I feel like the undead. I can barely think in coherent sentences. I can only stare at my white ceiling, feeling uneasy. There's this veil of confusion over me. There is something wrong. Something I've forgotten. But I can't begin to remember what it was-what it is. All I know is that girl. She must be the cause for this. I've never forgotten _anything_ in my life. I should be angry with her, maybe even hate her. But I don't, I can't.

I'm being ridiculous, really. Why should I care if I've forgotten something? Why should I care if she's delirious enough to think that I knew her before? I don't care. It doesn't matter. She doesn't matter. But why am I thinking of her so much? She's just a bother. An annoying, pesky bother. But I think…I really did hurt her. When I snapped back, she seemed so helpless and pained. Maybe I have seen her before and just don't remember? Nonsense, I would have recalled her face. Although she does seem familiar…

A whisper came from the darkness.

"Haku?" It asked.

The whisper was raspy and high-pitched.

I sat up and looked towards my open door. My younger brother, William, had called me. What did he want?

"Yes?"

"Are you sleeping yet?" He asked, timidly.

Well, I obviously wasn't.

I sighed, "No, I'm not sleeping yet."

"Haku…I can't sleep. Can I stay with you?"

Being an older sibling was tiresome. One could never rest.

"Whatever," I responded.

My younger brother came dashing across my room, across my light brown carpet. He leaped and fell on my bed, next to me. He then lifted his eyes to look at me. His eyes were a deep, innocent chocolate with his hair to match. The roundness of his delicate face was a firm indication of his young age; he was only eight years old. Although we weren't brothers by blood, since I was adopted two years ago into the Tokuma family, we were indefinitely close. He always looked up to me, for reasons which puzzled me, and just like any other siblings we also fought at times. Usually, he wanted to follow in my footsteps and mimic my actions which, at times, were dangerous for him. So I would chastise him and he would holler childish insults.

But now, when he's tired and scared, he's charming.

"I won't stay a long time. I promise," he reassured.

It really wouldn't bother me, either way. I wasn't resting anytime soon. And so my brother lay next to me, while I tried to rid myself of my thoughts.

That morning, as my alarm clock blared an annoying sound, I felt as though I dreamt. The dream was strange and unfamiliar, different than any other dream I'd ever had.

The dream was full of cloaked figures in masks. Then there were others who attended these masked figures. I, on the other hand, always made my way to the very top of a building of some sort. I would sometimes speak to an old hag and other times, I would fly out the window. I would feel the breeze on my face, lifting my body higher and higher. But I would dread the task ahead.

What a strange dream. Was it a subconscious call of some sort?

"No matter," I said out loud.

I made my way to the shower and afterwards, changed into comfortable clothing. The time on my alarm clock told me I had plenty of time to spare, there was an hour left before school began. I didn't hurry to eat breakfast and gather my belongings for school. I truly dreaded and even despised school. The classrooms were overpopulated with a 1 to 22 teacher to student ratio. How do you expect most of the students, who are mentally incapable of understanding the simplest things, to efficiently learn and understand the material in a crowded classroom?

"Haku, dear, would you mind walking your brother to school? Hurry please, he'll be late."

I turned around to face a woman standing in the kitchen. She wasn't looking towards me rather, her back was facing me. Her long, black, silky hair washed over her back and shoulders, making her appear extremely young. She was a tall woman, who had a thin frame and a softness about her face. This softness made her appear kind, which she was.

My little brother was standing at the door of our home, waiting. I grabbed my bag and filed out of the house with him trailing behind.

My school wasn't much farther than William's school; it was only five blocks away. We walked briskly because I didn't want my brother to be scolded. He trailed behind me in silence while I checked for cars, determined to make it to his school in ten minutes. The fall morning wasn't cold but windy. My hair blew into my face and I considered cutting it. It was a nuisance, despite the compliments I received for it.

William's school was only a block away now, in plain view. Its lifeless walls were a chilling, soft pink. The entrance was marked with gates, a small park, and plants. William was falling behind, so I hurried him to the front entrance.

"Get on! Go!" I urged him.

His head was limp and he walked away sadly. He didn't even care to say goodbye. I wasn't going to question him about it and simply brushed it off. Now I had to race to my school. I made my way down the entrance steps and past the park. Before I crossed the gates, I turned my head to gaze at the school. The sky was a bleak gray, filled with clouds. The sun was nowhere in sight.

But there, standing at the top of the steps was William. His eyes met mine but we didn't move. He didn't cower away or race down towards me. He just stood there, staring back at me.

Then the bell rang.

He was late. He would be scolded. But he kept watching me. He kept staring at me.

I turned my back on him and stalked away.

I jogged to my school and checked my watch, five minutes to the bell.

The wind still blew my hair all around but I ignored it. What was wrong with my brother? Why did he seem so displeased? So hurt? Have I done anything? No, I haven't, I'm sure of that. Was school troubling him or did he need tutoring?

Was someone…hurting him? As I crossed a street, I clenched my hand in fury. Who would dare to harm my brother? I would have to inquire about it. If anyone dared to harm a hair on his head-

"Get out of the way!"

I turned and saw a red SUV beeping at me. The man inside the care was middle-aged and overweight. He was shaking his fist at me, impatient to cross the intersection. I glanced at the light and sure enough, it was my turn to cross. I stared the man down, I was angry enough. I didn't need this pathetic civilian to push me to my limits. The man stopped beeping and stared at me as I made my way to the sidewalk, then he went on his way. I stalked off, still clenching my fist tightly.

Soon enough, I saw the school. Just as my brother's, the walls were a lifeless color. The entrance differed as mine was less inviting. White block letters framed the entrance. But there was no park, no plants to soften the stiff appearance.

I slowed my pace as the entrance, which held the name of my school, loomed over my head. I walked quickly through the hallways, wanting to make it to class on time. As I was reaching the last turn to my class, I saw someone reflected on a door's glass, in front of me. I saw myself and then, behind me I saw a girl running with her hands held up high, it was _that_ girl.

Her hair was different but it was still the same plain brown. She looked eager and I just wasn't in the mood. As she came closer, I knew she was running towards me. I stopped and turned to face her. Seeing the look on her face, I knew she had nothing of importance to tell me.

"You run strangely," I commented.

A look of confusion printed itself on her face.

"Huh? You saw me?"

Of course I saw you, that's why I turned. She was the same as the other students, maybe even stranger. But instead I held my tongue and pointed at the door where I could see our reflections. She stared at it a minute, as if to connect what I told her to how I saw her.

"Oh."

Then silence. She had nothing to tell me and just stood there. I looked into her eyes, waiting to see if she was going to tell me anything. Then the bell rang. She looked away from me and clamped her hands over her ears. I left.

I simply turned the corner and headed into my classroom. The students all turned to stare at me and I ignored them as I made my way through the rows and to my window seat. Technically, I was late but the professor didn't comment on it. The short haired, intelligent teacher didn't pester me as I ignored her and began to look out of the window. The only motion I made was when she was calling attendance and I raised my hand into the air.

I think in this class there were more whispering girls than any of my other classes.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: Am I Waiting?

I could hear the giggles and whispers. The high pitched tones droned on for an hour. The professor ignored these distractions and instead, taught.

And instead I-

Her hair, if I thought about it, was very nice. It was straight and shone brightly. Had she done something different with it today? Yes, she had.

Her name was Chihiro, right?

Well, Chihiro was kind as well. Not the most intelligent, but she was still kind. Although I had treated her horrible, she hadn't snapped at me. She hadn't dismissed me. A question still wandered in my head. She had said that I had come here to find her which implies she was waiting for me. She had to have known me from before, but then why couldn't I recall her face?

Maybe it was a human flaw after all.

After first period ended, I quickly wrote down the homework and stuffed my belongings into my book bag. I stood but a thin, blond girl blocked me from heading out the door. I watched as the other students filed out but this girl was staring at me, what did she want? I didn't want to be rude with her but I had Ms. Sadentine next and she would certainly give me a detention if I was late.

"H-haku." Her voice quivered.

"I w-wanted to ask if you could…if maybe we could…"

And then I noticed another pair of eyes glaring at me. I glanced over to another girl with fiery red hair ten feet away, behind this girl. She had to be a supporting friend, she was here to reassure her friend I was an asshole after I reject her.

"…go to the movies sometime?" she finished.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, "I'm busy."

The girl blushed pink and stared down at her feet as I made my way around her and out the door. As I grabbed the doorknob, the fiery redhead belted out, "Why don't you just give her a chance?! She's had a crush on you for the longest time! Are you really that cold-hearted?!"

"Samantha!" the teacher shouted. The expression was her face was of clear surprise, Samantha or the fiery redhead didn't usually belt out those sorts of comments.

I sighed. There was only one way to end this but I knew I'd regret it later.

"Okay. We can go to the movies on Saturday, not Friday. Seven o'clock in front of the theater."

I took their silence as a yes and headed out the door. I tried to rush through the hallways and push my way through all the students in order to make it to my next class on the floor below me. The traffic of students slowed me down considerably and everyone pushed and shoved. I bolted down the steps just as the last bell rang.

"Damn!" I whispered as I ran to open the door to the classroom. With a frown, my teacher looked at me, "You're late, Haku. Speak to me after class."

Damn it! Because that idiotic girl wanted to ask me on a date, even though she doesn't even know me, she made me late. Now I'll probably receive detention and William will sit on the steps of his school for over an hour.

When the lunch bell rang, Ms. Sadentine signaled me with a finger over to her desk.

"Haku, you've never been late to class, I'm very disappointed in you."

I tried to calm myself and ended up speaking through my clenched teeth.

"Ms. Sadentine, you cannot possibly give me a detention," I began, "because it is NOT my fault that the school is overpopulated."

"All the children in this school have to deal with overpopulation but they seem to arrive to my class in time."

"I'm sorry, but I cannot afford to stay after school. My brother William is going to be waiting for me to pick him up after school."

My teacher eyed me with a determined glare, "Oh, really? That's too bad then. He'll have to wait for you. Detention, today, report to room forty-five."

I fumed as I walked to the cafeteria. As I pushed through the double doors, I retraced my steps and walked back out as I saw the fiery redhead and her friend. I didn't need two hormone-raging girls begging me to sit with them to infuriate me further. Now I had a detention and I was stuck in a two hour movie with a stranger.

Perfect.

I did report to room forty-five and I did as they told me, scrub the floor of a classroom with a toothbrush. I dragged a bucket filled with water assured that the disciplinary punishments needed more creativity. Toothbrush in hand, I opened the door to the classroom I was assigned to, headed to the farthest corner and scrubbed. I scrubbed with anger at how William must be waiting patiently for me. This was completely ridiculous. This whole day was ridiculous.

I heard the door open and without turning, I knew who it was by the surprised voice that rang out, "Haku?"

I was in a bad mood; there was no doubt about that. Every minute here meant that William was waiting a minute more. I'm afraid he'll think I abandoned him.

I didn't answer Chihiro; I knew I would only insult her so I kept my mouth shut. I shouldn't take out my anger on her. She didn't push for a conversation any further and just got down on the floor and started to clean. I worked as efficiently as possible; I might be able to leave early if we finished here. After a while, Chihiro inhaled deeply and I knew she was going to speak, so I intervened.

"Just keep scrubbing. Talking will only slow down the process."

I could almost hear her fuming. I knew it was rude but I really wanted to leave. I knew I had been correct to assume she was angry because she said, "Geez, I was just going to ask how you got here…"

This was going to be a long hour. The only way she'll be quiet is if I told her to and so, I did. "Now kindly shut up and get to work. I really can't stand to be here for more than necessary."

Although I thought she was going to be quiet, she proved me wrong.

"You really woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, didn't you? Well, this morning you didn't seem so bad. Was it something that happened at school? You can tell me, you know."

Oh god! Would I have to promise her a date as well to leave me be?! I turned to her and I heard the bucket falling and the water making a swishing sound as it flowed over the floor.

I couldn't help but get angrier: "God! Now you've done it! Get up and help me wipe this all up."

I stood and so did Chihiro. I was staring at the water that covered about one fifth of the classroom; I was going to need a lot of paper towels to clean this mess up. Maybe I would even have to stay here longer. I heard her gasp and pleaded she hadn't done anything too idiotic. I turned to her and snapped, "Now what did you-!?"

In fact, she hadn't done anything wrong, except notice that she had spilled water all over herself. Well, to be specific, she noticed that her white shirt was now transparent and stuck to her skin and you could see her pink bra really clearly. Her voice was high with embarrassment. "Haku! P-pervert!" her voice quivered.

Her own clumsiness was not my fault. Then she calls me a pervert for NOTICING the clearly obvious. This was just not my day. Why should I be accused of being a pervert, I would have to be blind to not see how transparent her shirt had become.

And no, I'm not blind.

I lashed out, "This was your fault! Don't accuse me of anything, just take my uniform jacket!"

I ripped off my dark blue jacket and handed it to her without looking at her. I was trying to assess the damage of the water on the floor.

Chihiro meekly whispered a thank you but I didn't bother to say you're welcome. I ignored her and went back to cleaning; at least the water would help a little. There was a loud, dull bang and I didn't even bother to glance at her.

"I'm sorry, I've always been really clumsy," she apologized. And that's when I looked at her. Her face had a look of guilt plastered on it, she was still wet from the incident and she was trying to keep her balance on the slippery water. It was so funny, I had to laugh.

She was embarrassed but my laughter wouldn't stop. She reminded me of a baby deer learning to walk. She was so awkward and clumsy but her innocence lightened my spirits just a bit. It made the detention bearable. I got up, still laughing and choked out, "Wait- I'll- towel be- back."

I just couldn't speak anymore because my laughter shook my whole body in violent outbursts.

When I arrived at William's school, he was sitting on bland, lifeless steps. I walked over to him and apologized, "I'm sorry. I was in detention."

He seemed surprised, "Detention? You?"

I didn't answer him but turned and walked off, hearing his lighter footsteps running to catch up. Heavily breathing, William asked me, "Why did you get detention? Did you get in trouble?"

"Yes, I did. I was late to class, nothing dreadful."

William looked down towards his feet and I patted the top of his head, smiling. William was one of the only people who didn't upset or annoy me. Him, the couple who took me in and…Chihiro, I guess. The first day I met her, she had asked me something that confused me. I had given her an answer but now, I wasn't so sure. I had a deep feeling in my gut and I couldn't help but wonder:

Am I waiting for her?


	4. Chapter 4

I updated quickly this time for you reviewers! So please, I know it may be a hassle to click on the review button and type something in but please do. Reviews may drive me to do many things..like updating quickly and making lengthy chapters and no I'm not lying because when I read wonderful reviews I obviously feel enlightened and ambitious enough to write more. And I may not reply to your review but if you have any concerns, feel free to PM me, I'm all ears.

**Disclaimer:** Nope, don't own Spirited Away. Fortunately, I own this story becase...well...I wrote it.

Hope you enjoy the forth installment of...**Strive To Remember.**

Chapter 4: Pain

I felt strangely giddy as I saw her smile, her hand waving at me. She was standing in front of a loud, noisy and bright movie theater, in the darkness of the night. The colors and energy of the movie theater was enhanced by the dull and menacing night sky. But her smile was the same. She was innocent and kind without a hidden agenda. I felt light-hearted long before I saw her. William and I had spent an afternoon playing chess and video games, while mother baked our favorite treat. When she had called us out, we threw down the controllers of our game console and ran to the kitchen, laughing all the while.

The wind picked up and her blond hair whipped about her face, she smiled as though she was worried I wouldn't show. But I felt too happy to break a promise to one so warm-hearted. Before this, I knew she wasn't vain. I wouldn't pick up her voice in those harsh, tense whispers I would normally hear in class. I originally came here against my will but I wasn't going to ruin an evening, I would enjoy it. I walked over to Alice as she greeted me with a shy, "Hello."

I smiled and returned the greeting. There were people all around us, adults and children. All caught up in the lights and chatter. On a large board, there were times and titles, under that, were booths to order tickets followed by lines. The lines weren't too long and the evening chill wasn't strong. We stood in line quietly and I decided to end the silence.

"Alice, what do you want to watch?"

She smiled and replied, "Oh, I'll watch whatever you want. I really don't mind. I mean…I don't want to pick something you don't want to watch, I- I'm talking too much." She felt embarrassed and maybe even ashamed. If I was in a horrid mood, this would upset me but that wasn't the case.

I laughed, "Don't worry. Do you want to watch a comedy? Or an action film? Oh, but please, no sloppy love story." I looked away from the thin girl and stared at the large board. A title caught my eye and I pointed it out.

"How about that one? Would that be fine?"

I looked at her to see if she approved and I was met with a slight nod. She was a timid girl, I guess, but she was nervous; I could see that much. She would have gone along with whatever I said, even if she didn't really like it. I'm sure she wouldn't mind the comedy that I chose, it seemed light-hearted enough. As the distance between the booth and me closed, Alice spoke.

"I'm glad you agreed to come with me. I'm sorry if you said yes because of Samantha…she's just a little…she speaks her mind a lot."

Her eyes darted from the side to mine for a minute, internally; she must have noticed my reluctance to accept her offer. Actually, she would have to be think-headed to not see that I never wanted to come to this. But Alice was a nice girl besides, I was only angry because I was late to class. I debated with myself whether I should make up an excuse to let her save face or to tell her the truth. I wasn't heartless enough to make her feel guilty on purpose, but it would be the truth.

Should I lie? Should I speak the truth? I guess I sided with the truth.

"No, it's alright. It's just…you caught me at a bad time. I didn't want to be late to class," I assured with a smile. Her eyes connected with her smile and she wasn't bothered by the truth at all. I guess she understood maybe she didn't enjoy being late to class either. I'm sure no one enjoys being held up for an hour in detention. Surely everyone could connect with that? Actually, I was surprised with Alice. She wasn't as fickle as those other girls who had badgered me into going on a date with them. I'm sure, if I said yes, they would be wearing skimpy and stylish outfits in order to impress me. Too bad I wasn't impressed with flashy things. What did they take me for, a barracuda that would swim after a shiny object?

No, Alice was quite modest. She had straight blond hair that reached her shoulders and she was wearing jeans, a yellow shirt and a white jacket.

The next person in line was me, so I walked over to the ticket booth, recited the name of the comedy and paid for two tickets. As soon as Alice saw the two tickets being passed to me, she squirmed, "No! I'm sorry! I can't let you pay for my ticket. Here, I'll pay you back-" She dug into her pocket but I stopped her.

"It's okay, don't worry. Let's just go inside."

I took the two tickets and opened the door as she followed me. The blush was clearly visible on her porcelain skin. I smiled at her and when I was closing the door, my heart stopped. Brown eyes stared at me. Deep, chocolate brown hair covered the sides of her face as the whole world stopped and she stared. Her expression was at first surprise. It was as if she couldn't believe I was at a public place. Then, for a second, her eyes glanced at Alice's back, who was heading inside the building. Her eyes darted back to me in bewilderment, then the clear imprint of the overcoming feeling she felt- pain.

I could read it in her every movement, the way her eyes squinted a little and her brow furrowed. Her shoulders hunched a little and her lips parted only to mouth inaudible words, she was speaking to herself, telling herself this wasn't reality. I had no idea what I was feeling because the understanding of her emotion was overwhelming. It was so clear, so strong, so infecting, it had a numbing effect on me. I felt nothing, did nothing until a second passed and a woman leaned down to her only to see her pain. The woman turned and looked at me then instantly understood, she placed a hand on her shoulder and turned her away from me and uttered something in her ear. Then, Chihiro shook off the woman's hand and ran away. The woman glanced at me, without anger and then walked off behind Chihiro.

"Haku," Alice asked, "is there something wrong?"

I ripped my eyes away from the empty space where Chihiro had stood only five second earlier.

"Nothing's wrong. I just thought I saw a friend, that's all."

And I walked after Alice and headed into the theater.

The whole time, during the entire film, I tried to laugh along when everyone laughed, I tried to listen to the plot, listen to the jokes but I simply couldn't. The look on her face haunted me, not out of guilt but out of some strange deep jabbing in my gut that wondered where she went. She had just taken off and when that woman looked at me, she understood. But I knew her, I just couldn't remember from where. Damn it! Why was this happening? Why was my memory slipping from my grasp? Truthfully, I wanted to go home. I didn't want to be here any longer. I glanced at my watch when Alice wouldn't notice. It was difficult to read my watch in the dark room but I tilted it to catch the light the movie was emitting, the watch showed 7:05. It wasn't that late, I could…what could I do? Search for her? That would be ridiculous because I didn't know where she could be.

For another half an hour, for every minute of that hour, I couldn't concentrate on that movie. I could only count down the minutes. A couple of times I found Alice glance at me and smile. I tried to smile back but it came out forcefully, not that she noticed, she barely even knew me. Finally, after the constant annoyance of random laughter and loud music, the lights began to light up the theater and the crowd began to stand and the credits rolled. I stood and quickly, Alice stood as well. I smiled at her and we filed down the steps with the crowd of people.

"How did you like the movie?" I asked in order to avoid the silence.

She began to blabber on about the funny plot and the ingeniously shaped characters. I tried to listen, to be respectful but my mind wasn't on the movie. As we walked out of the building, Alice stammered that she had a wonderful time and she would walk home by walking two blocks to the right. I smiled at her and reassured her I had a wonderful time as well. Since my house was about ten blocks to the left, we said our goodbyes. We turned our backs to each other and walked, I didn't even turn back to see if she glanced back at me in a dreamy, love-struck way. I didn't care to tell the truth.

I hurried along home.

As the crowd thinned and the street became empty except for the occasional rumble of a car whizzing past, I wondered more and more where she was. About five blocks from my home, I passed the small entrance of the neighborhood park. It only contained the space of a block but I usually came here to get away and there was no one here at this time of night. I walked through the entrance and stared around at the silent vegetation. There was a sidewalk that took one to all of the corners of the park but there was no need, since one could see everything anyway. The grass was low, maybe only six inches at the most. There were a couple of trees and benches and a monument at the center, about twenty feet away from me.

The monument was in the shape of the top of a curved '2'. The monument was around seven feet tall and it stood on a thick plate of rock, cream in color, which stood three feet tall. To me, it looked more like an umbrella than a two. I was looking around; to make sure no one was here, when I felt a drop on my hand. I looked towards the sky where a sudden drizzle began. Water began to fall all around me, at first in weak, refreshing droplets but then it poured. I must have stood there for around two minutes, just watching the rain fall on the trees and grass while I was soaked to the core. My damp clothing stuck to my skin and a cold chill overcame me. I couldn't possibly walk back home in this rain so I trudged along the sidewalk towards the monument, which was facing away from me, that could shield me from the water.

I walked around the back of the monument when I saw Chihiro kneeling over, her back to a tree, her face in her knees. Although she was under a tree, the water came through the thin branches and wet her hair so that it stuck to the sides of her face. When lightning lit up the sky, she hugged her knees tighter and dug her face in even further. I walked towards her and when I reached her, I kneeled on the wet grass. I could feel the water on my knees as it soaked through my pants.

"Chihiro?" I whispered.

She looked up at me and I saw that her eyes were rimmed with pink. She seemed extremely surprised to see me there, almost as if I was a dream. Her mouth was open but she wouldn't speak, I sighed, "What are you doing here? You'll get sick."

I offered my hand to her and she looked at it, reluctantly. When she didn't take it or speak, I grabbed her hand and pulled her up. She stood and swayed a little and she still didn't speak. I was still holding her hand and I led her to the shelter under the monument before she made herself ill. I couldn't help but accept that she was upset because of me. It was probably a misunderstanding but still, she was upset and I was the cause of this.


	5. Chapter 5

Yes, finally I updated. Sorry about the long wait. But here it is. Hope you guys enjoy.

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Chapter Five: "Does it Matter?" 

Despite what I did yesterday, what I've done for the past twelve or more hours, I'm here. All I see are heads, floating around, and not even a soul paying attention. Everyone's hair color is exactly like another. Everyone is either a brunette or a blond. There isn't any variety when it comes to people, everyone is predictable and everyone does the exact same thing. Everyone is resting their heads on their hands, their desks, or their heads hung limply from their necks. As usual, the teacher was dull and boring, there was really nothing they could teach me, I learned literally from the book. But I'm just trying to take my mind off by complaining. Ever since last night, the only thing I could really think about was Chihiro. And it didn't help that she sat right in front of me. Her long, brown locks teased me as they swayed with every movement of her head. She hadn't even once glanced back at me. Was I a stranger to her now?  
I wonder if Miss Stephanie told her anything about last night. And what did she tell Chihiro's parents? Haku made her run away and is the cause of her fever? For a person who seemed so sick last night, Chihiro seems completely fine this morning. Last night, after she had fainted, I was panicking. I didn't know what to do because, well, what could I do? I didn't know where she lived and it would be awkward to bring her into my home. How would I explain to my parents about bringing this girl they don't know home? How would she react when waking up in my house? Would she scream in fright or die from embarrassment? The rain had stopped and I remembered the woman whom she was with in the theater, the woman with the straight, brown hair and bland, brown eyes. The strange woman who had seemed familiar although I couldn't remember from where. Regardless, I set out to look for her. I left Chihiro lying on the wet grass, making sure she wasn't on top of any rocks and I stood at the entrance of the park, looking for that woman. I wasn't going to leave Chihiro but I stood at the entrance of the park, waiting. When I saw a figure turn around the corner, I squinted my eyes to narrow in the figure's face. As the figure got closer, I recognized it as the woman who had been with Chihiro. She was jogging, her cheeks flushed, her face wrinkled with worry. I waited until she was close enough for her to recognize me. Her eyes widened at the sight of me and I waved her over, and then I returned to Chihiro's side.  
I kneeled and looked into her face. She was breathing normally which was a good sign. Her face was pale but her cheeks were full of blood and she was sweating.  
"You found her?!" The woman asked as she approached and kneeled over me, her voice full of panic.  
I didn't even bother to look at her, I kept my eyes on Chihiro, "Yes, she fainted. I think she has a fever, it must be from the rain"  
I could feel the heat from the woman's glare on my back. "Or maybe it was from emotional distress"  
Her voice leaked rage and malice. I tore my eyes from Chihiro's face and looked into the woman's angry eyes. "I did nothing to her," I stated.  
The woman was full of fury, "She was upset because of you."  
I sighed and looked at Chihiro again and with a gentle voice, I whispered, "I wouldn't do anything to her"  
This was the absolute truth. I would never mean to harm her, despite her clumsiness and talkative mouth. I didn't care if this raging old hag didn't believe me.  
Surprisingly, there was no further argument. The woman had stayed silent and bent down to pick up the girl on the wet grass. The stranger, who had introduced herself as Miss Stephanie, had Chihiro in her arms and was going to walk her back home, she faced away from me was but she glanced back, her brown eyes full of worry and a hint of.sadness?  
"Thank you, Haku, for taking care of her," her voice was softer, kinder.  
I responded, "No, it was fine. I'm glad you came"  
Then Miss Stephanie started walking away with a limp Chihiro in her arms. I was at the entrance of the park, looking at her back when I swore I heard her whisper, "Please don't make her wait any longer Haku."  
Almost like an echo, I had heard her pleading words. But what did she mean don't make her wait any longer'? I scratched my head in anger because nothing made sense anymore. Soaked, I walked to my home in the cold, dead, silence of the night.

* * *

Since yesterday, I can't stop thinking about her. Be about what she's said to me or what she's done, I just can't stop. How infuriating! Thinking back now, I could have just taken her to my home and make sure she didn't get worse. But I was such a fool! Instead, I stayed up all night, not even resting for a minute. Chihiro had definitely ignored me this morning, when she stepped into the class, her eyes locked on to mine and then she looked away. Half an hour into class, I snapped back to attention when the teacher shouted, "Gilda! Switch seats with Chihiro!"  
"What?" Gilda asked, clearly appalled. The teacher glared at her, Gilda must have been blabbing away again as usual.  
As Chihiro made her way down the aisle to the seat in front of me, she avoided my eyes completely. She sat down, silently, not even tripping over anything and stared straight at the teacher. I wonder why she's been ignoring me as I look at the back of her head now. Although I doubt it, maybe.Chihiro is still upset about seeing me with Alice. Or maybe not.  
"Chihiro," I whispered.  
Was she ignoring me or she can't hear me? We were supposed to be doing some sort of work so the class was mostly silent. I leaned my head towards her back and whispered again.  
"Chihiro."  
This time, I said it louder but gentler, it would be unkind to yell at her for nothing. I tapped her on the shoulder as well and I felt her body shiver under my touch. She slouched down to hide behind the girl in front of her and she turned her head to look into my eyes. "Uh.Yes?" she whispered.  
Good, now I know she wasn't exactly ignoring me, at least not completely. I don't know what I would do if she was angry with me, I'd probably sleep less, a lot less. Chihiro's eyes were a little wide, I guess from nerves. "Do you know Alice?" I inquired.  
If she knew Alice, then that might be the reason why she was ignoring me, if she doesn't know Alice.then maybe she just had nothing to say to me. Chihiro's expression was one of confusion.  
"Erm.no. Should I?" she asked.  
No you shouldn't. At least I hope you don't. It's better this way, I had no interest in Alice and I wouldn't want to mislead her. Wait, why am I so concerned about misleading her? I sighed and rested my forehead on my hand. In the distance, I heard the teacher call out Chihiro's name.  
"Turn around, he just called your name," I uttered.  
"Huh?" escaped from her mouth. Damn, now the teacher rose from his chair. He's looking at Chihiro, while she's still turned towards me. I don't think she heard me or maybe she just didn't understand. As I saw him staring at her, I willed for her to turn around and say, "Yes sir!" or something. But she sat there, gawking at me like some parrot.  
"Chihiro! How many times must I call your name?!" he yelled.  
I sighed as he motioned her to stand and head towards his desk. While they spoke in hushed whispers, I caught some words such as "guidance counselor" and "leave the class". He was kicking her out and ordering her to head towards the office. And it was because of me. I felt like kicking myself for not being careful enough to not get her in trouble. Then, as Chihiro was gathering her book bag, the teacher ordered someone named Sean to escort her. The boy, who stood and smiled an "Alright," made me look at him. The way he said that one word made my head automatically turn to glance at him. He was a tall boy, taller than me and he had shaggy, strawberry blond hair. He smiled at Chihiro with his dark, chestnut eyes. Something about him, mostly that smile, made me dislike him. While Chihiro was still putting her things inside her book bag, Sean stared at her like a piece of fruit. The way he was looking at her was so wrong but what could I do? When Chihiro looked at him, I could see her thoughts as if they were written across her forehead. Her mouth was slightly open and her eyes wide with interest. She obviously thought he was good-looking, anyone that saw her would have seen that. I didn't exactly feel envious of this Sean boy, but something didn't sit right in my gut. I couldn't help but dislike this boy as I felt an empty feeling.  
Out of the corner of my eye, while everyone was silently working on their work, I watched the both of them leave the classroom from the side door. Chihiro opened the door first and the boy towered over her, held it. The way he walked so close to her alarmed me, his hand almost brushed over her shoulder as well.  
I shook my head again, I was being ridiculous. Lack of sleep has made my mind hazy and my thinking dysfunctional. Why should I be so worried about some random teenager escorting her to the office? Nothing is likely to happen, nothing will happen.  
What if they speak? What if they become friends?  
No matter. 


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait, but I tried to make it up to you by making this chapter long. Remember the person who writes Chihiro's POV is not me, so review for her please? Will ya?

Oh, and me too. Hope you enjoy!

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Chapter Six: Anger, Resentment, Loathing

Alice suggested an outing to calm my nerves after she saw how upset I was. I was fuming, acting like a child really, but that Sean character pissed me off. The way he sought to be so friendly with Chihiro was so strange, maybe he thought to use her... I brushed away Alice's questions that whole lunch period. But she was insistent and eventually I gave in.

"What's wrong Haku?" She asked as she sat next to me, her hand in her bag of potato chips. My anger took away my hunger and I watched her eat meekly then I sighed. "Who is Sean?" She stopped chewing, gulped down her food and turned her head slightly, "What do you mean? He was in our class this morning. You didn't notice him?"

I looked around for Chihiro and saw her having lunch with her friend, whoever she was. I looked around for Sean as well but I didn't see him anywhere in the courtyard. He was probably having lunch in the cafeteria.

"I noticed him," I answered her, "but who is he? Something about him bothers me."

Alice stopped chewing and thought for a moment. Her eyes glinted and she smiled, "I know what you mean. He scares me for some weird reason. He's really weird, actually. But do you think he's actually a bad person or maybe do you think he just gives off that impression?"

I kept searching the crowd for Sean, hoping to catch him in the act or see him doing _something _that would give away his character so I didn't have to give myself an ulcer thinking so much. But then I'd find my eyes wandering over to Chihiro again and then I'd find myself thinking of things that left me in wonder.

I saw Chihiro on a bridge, she was looking over to the train that passed under, in the water. The train would send the water into waves with its speed, and then it would head into the ocean, into the unknown. The wind was gentle then, the sun was setting and it was almost night. I remembered that she surprised me, looking over the edge of the bridge. I really hadn't expected her to be there, but I knew her presence here would mean danger. I didn't want anything to happen to her and so I ran towards her to scold her. I didn't tell her who I was, or that I knew her and her little pink shoe.

She didn't seem to understand my anger at first and she didn't run away in fear like she should have. I became more urgent as the lamps were being lit and I pushed her in the direction of the exit. She hesitated, clearly afraid, she didn't know what to think. But I turned my back on her, trying to protect her, because I remembered her.

Alice shook me then and I snapped back to the presence. I was staring at Chihiro with my mouth open, just like a gaping idiot. Although now these strange daydreams (or flashbacks?) had me confused. They made no sense, as if they took place in an imaginary world, where realism didn't make sense.

I turned to Alice and signaled for her to walk with me. I certainly didn't want to be a gaping idiot.

"Haku, what were you daydreaming about?" Alice inquired.

I didn't feel bad lying: "I was wondering what to do for my little brother's birthday."

Her eyes lit up in happiness at the mere mention of my younger brother, William.

"Really? His birthday is coming up soon? That's great, is he having a party?"

I turned my head, searching for Sean again. I was beginning to act paranoid, thinking he'd come around at the corner, appear with his hand over Chihiro, leaning towards her while she was against the wall.

"My little brother knows yours."

"Really?" I asked, not because I cared but only to give the illusion.

"Yeah, so if he had a party and my little brother was invited," she paused to inhale and finished rapidly, "maybe I could go too."

The lunch bell rang but before I turned to head in the other direction, I muttered, "Yeah sure."

Then I walked to my class, still wondering about my daydreams. They were strange, alluring, mysterious, and confusing. Thinking about it so much almost made me trip on my way up the stairs in the stale, hot air. As soon as I opened the door to my classroom, a gust of cold, metallic air brushed my hair back, and I saw the girls already inside stare. Usually I completely ignored it, while they whispered when I walked by, or spoke in a shrill voice when I spoke. But I really never understood it, of course I knew the shallowness of it, my good looks, but the actual mechanics of it puzzled me.

I gave up on trying to figure that out the second day I came here, to this putrid, boring school.

When I arrived home, William was already there with Mother. He was cheerful, I could tell, because he was humming a light hearted tune. Our Mother was baking cookies for fun, while William was helping her. I said, "Hello," and headed into my room, closing the door. I sat down on my bed and looked at the white walls, which suddenly bothered me. How had I spent so much time here before, when I was home schooled, surrounded by these white walls. In a way it reminded me of my classrooms. Some had that intoxicating, rigid, phony feel while others, which were a bit more decorative, seemed more relaxing. But my room was full of that intoxicating feeling. It felt new, as if I never really lived here. But I always have, ever since I was adopted two years ago. Although my memory prior to those two years were ambiguous. I couldn't clearly remember anything, which I now questioned. Suddenly, a feeling of nausea overcame me and I stood and walked out of my room, away from the intoxication.

"I'm going on a walk, I'll be back later," I said as I opened the front door. No one objected my leaving, Mother and William were too busy to really notice. I walked out into a sunny afternoon. Although the sun was a bit strong, the wind helped to cool me as I walked. I didn't really know where I was walking, but when I finally realized where I was going, it surprised me. I kept on walking but stopped when I reached her house. I could imagine her now, sitting in a girly room (although I've never been in it) and doing homework. She was a good student, so it wouldn't be surprising. But I was across the street, staring at the one story home. Without looking both ways, I crossed and walked up the front yard towards the door.

She answered the door in a surprised smile and I couldn't help but smile back. Alice looked back over her shoulder, as if she was being watched, and stepped outside. Her blonde hair sparkled in the sun as she stepped in front of me in the hot, stale air. Once again, a slight nauseous feeling came over me but I ignored it.

"What are you doing here Haku?" Alice asked as she shielded her eyes from the strong sun, her pupils not accustomed.

I didn't know what I was doing here either, so I wasn't going to make a lame excuse. I pondered about it for a moment as if a fleeting thought would come to mind and answer my question. I think it's because Alice is someone whom I can comfortably speak with, although I don't plan on sharing my life with her. But she was a quirky, pretty girl.

And I realized that her quirkiness and her subtle, hidden beauty reminded me of Chihiro. It all rushed in so quickly, the realization that I was at the wrong house.

"I'll tell you later," I responded as I turned my back and ran down the street. As I ran, the clouds now starting to cover the sun and the light beginning to diminish, I knew I had no idea where she lived. But I'd rather be looking for Chihiro, to just speak to her, than be with Alice.

But I still don't know why.

It might have to do with the strange daydream, maybe my subconscious was trying to tell me something, something about why she remembered me at first, then forgot all about it, as if it didn't matter. I ran back to the park, where that strange woman had taken her and I slowed my pace to follow the direction I remembered her taking. I retraced her steps exactly how I remembered and looked down all the streets. I'm not sure how long I was doing this for, probably a couple of blocks, when the street lights came on. The night was quietly approaching, and I started to run again. I recalled the part of my daydream where the night was filling in and I was warning her. I now knew that the night was dangerous for her, no matter where she was.

After six blocks, I looked down the street and stopped abruptly. I kept still and silent as I watched Chihiro sitting on her doorstep, while Sean sat next to her. My mind, after being filled with so many twisting thoughts, was blank. About thirty feet away, I could see the smirk on Sean's face. But I didn't see any sinister motion or any horrid acts, they were just talking to one another in the lingering darkness.

I recalled the night when I watched a movie with Alice. I hadn't comprehended the emotion plastered on Chihiro's face when she had seen me; although now, it's as clear as day.

The surprise was like jumping into ice cold water, while the numbing sensation might have been pain. But I couldn't recall that feeling now because I stood still as a statue and as thoughtless, watching them from afar.

I wasn't happy to see her smile.

I made a motion towards her, what if I could convince her that he had an ulterior motive? I knew she wouldn't believe me, and I also wasn't sure but I just didn't want to see her with him. I began to walk over to them, the streetlights making Chihiro's skin sparkle and Sean's hair shine. He sat leaning towards her with a sincere smile on his face, while her back was to me. Her hair, which was in a ponytail, moved eagerly as she spoke to him.

And then she laughed a bit.

I was only a block away now when Sean noticed me approaching and glanced at me. He seemed stunned and confused at first, but then his smile returned. Although this time I could tell it was outright sinister. The way only one corner of his mouth was turned upwards seemed to be an attempt to mock me. I could even read his thoughts, his expression was so honest.

"Yes, I'm with Chihiro and we're having a wonderful conversation without you," I guessed he was thinking.

Then, Chihiro noticed Sean's diverted attention and turned around to see me. Her mouth opened slightly in a silent gasp and her shoulders tensed along with her whole body. Her expression was one of subtle horror and disbelief. Was she embarrassed to be found with Sean?

I already felt extremely uncomfortable, barging in like this. This was not something I did often or even rarely, I've never done this, but my burning anger overruled any other sense I might have had.

I felt the sudden urge to push him away, or a least hurt him physically. The emotions bottled up inside me started to boil to the top, I began to run towards Chihiro. I stopped in front of them on her walkway. She stood up slowly, anticipating what I would do or just plainly confused. She held her hand close ot her mouth, pressed against her chest. Sean then stood beside her, placing his hand on her should, his arm around her in a protective manner. But I saw her shrug away from his touch, although he kept it there. That only made me angrier.

"Get your arm off of her," I growled.

Sean smiled again, "What? Why? It's not big deal; you two aren't an item or anything."

"Can't you see she doesn't want you to touch her?"

Sean looked to Chihiro to see her nervous expression, then he glanced back angrily because he knew I was right. He shrugged his arm off and put his hand in his pockets, slouching a bit because he was so tall.

I wanted him to leave so badly, I wanted his existence to disappear, because he would hurt her. We looked at each other in the eyes and he knew what I was thinking, we both knew I was right. He'd make her fall for him, make it seem as if they were meant to be together, and then he'd pull it from under her and leave her, in pieces, on the cold, dark ground. Then I'd be left with her broken heart, hearing her cry for him.

That would be unbearable. I wouldn't be able to hear her soft sobs whispering his name in between bursts of tears. My pride would be destroyed, my hopes, gone. I could see Chihiro with her knees on the dirty floor and her hair a mess on her head. She was crouching, she looked as if she was trying to fold over herself to keep herself together. With her frail arms she was embracing herself, a white figure in the dark. But Sean's red hair was even more vibrant in my vision. The color was as saturated as the red of fire, or blood and on his face, there was a large shadow casted on one side. In my mind, he looked as if he was purely evil and corrupt, but in reality, I knew he was just an arrogant snot, a conceited, egotistical human. But I wished he would leave us alone, with these feelings and flashbacks. I'm beginning to understand that Chihiro is an important person to me. So special, so different, it's as if we both came from somewhere else, a different universe altogether. Within me burned a deep flame, one that made me protective of Chihiro.

But this, this ignorant _child_ upset me so much, I felt the impulse to snarl at him and rip him into pieces. I had to grind down my teeth and dig my nails into my skin to keep myself from lunging at him. Soon enough, I felt the warm, dark liquid fill my palm. But I saw Chihiro's frightened face and I willed the burning desire to hit Sean trickle down into a controllable anger. But it didn't extinguish completely, it was still there, burning slowly, and eating away at me.

Finally, Chihiro spoke, "H-haku, I uh, what, he...why are you here?"

I was ready for anything that came out of her mouth, I was ready, the words were building up in my throat, ready to spill out.

Why was I here?

I looked at her, mouth open wide, just like the thing I wanted to avoid the most, a gaping idiot. I couldn't believe how speechless I was, for the first time in my life, as long as I could remember, I had been rendered speechless. I could have chosen not to speak, of course, out of politeness or irritation. But I had never been the idiot in the conversation, my IQ simply didn't allow it. But here I was; I didn't even know the answer to a simple question. Chihiro didn't seem to believe it either as she stood, waiting for my answer. Her eyes were glinting, they were both waiting for my voice.

But it wouldn't come, I couldn't even make those pathetic, squawking noises that some make when they can't say a word. I closed my mouth, then opened it again but my throat was dry, raspy. I wish I had water.

I was always the one with those intelligent comments, the one who made others eat their words. Now I appeared to be a normal teenager with no superior intellect. I hated it, loathed, _despised_ _it._ I glanced at Sean's tall figure, he was right behind Chihiro, too close for comfort, towering over her. The image seemed so grotesque; her body was shining, bathed in pure light with a subtle, yellow hue. But Sean was dark, shadows seemed to be drawn to him, and on his face was a small patch of light, only enough to see his smirk.

I tightened my fists, digging my fingernails into my skin and breaking it. I could feel a thick, slimy liquid slither in my hands, blood. Thick, red blood. My anger became uncontrollable then, I wanted Sean to stay away from her, to leave her be. I hated his expression, the confidence that leaked, oozing like an infection out of him. The air around him was poisonous, you'd only suffocate around him. Yet, to my great disappointment, she laughed and smiled around him. Instead of instilling pain, the anger boiled to the surface. I gritted my teeth as Sean shifted around behind her, close enough to touch her...

As if a great wave of water, a tsunami formed within me. It was coming, steadily and with increasing force. It had in it all the suppressed emotions, all the unsaid words, phrases and even the emotions I never realized I had. It grew and rose as every second passed in silence, rising with greater force and acceleration. Chihiro seemed to recognize the anger in my face because her eyebrows rose, and she began to raise her arms to her face. I had tried to keep all these confusing feelings inside of myself, but the walls I had built in myself were destroyed by my very own tsunami. It crashed into the walls with such a force, it shattered the walls, sending all my hard work flying in broken pieces.

I took a stride towards Chihiro and in response, she stepped away from me, to her side and I walked past her and connected my right fist to the side of that ignorant, egotistical, annoying, pathetic human. My fist slammed into his face with a sickening sound, I had forced all of my strength and emotions into my arm. He fell backwards and collapsed onto the ground. Instantaneously, a hand went to the side of his face as he cursed to himself on the sidewalk. He didn't look at me, but rather laid there for a minute, regaining his mind set probably, and stood up and ran. Before he ran past me, he murmured, "Bye, Chi."

I looked after his fading figure, it became hard to detect him in the shadows, but then he'd run under a streetlight and I'd see him again, then he turned the corner and out of sight. It felt extremely lifting, letting out all of my emotions on him, I felt no regret, no sympathy, only distorted happiness. The skin on my fist was burning red, stinging, sore. I could finally exhale and I turned to see an emotionless Chihiro. And then I felt guilt.

She did not hate him as I did.

She might have had plans with him, and then I was certain of it, the way she wouldn't say a thing, but only looked at me, with no words to express herself. I had been selfish, self-righteous and juvenile. I probably should have been more calm and reasonable and I didn't really know what came over me. It was just some deep strength, a shallow reason combined with a spontaneous burst of anger and hate. I had acted like an animal, a monster, a beast. And I had no reasons to justify myself, other than jealousy. I was ashamed, I admit, and embarrassed.

I couldn't let this awkward silence stand, I had to say _something._

"I'm sorry. I didn't know what came over me I..."

I glanced regretfully at Chihiro to see a strange expression on her face. I couldn't decipher it, it held no clear meaning to me.

And I was afraid that she'd loathe me for being so rash, I'd understand because she had every right to be angry.

"I understand if you're upset at me and I-"

"I don't hate you," she whispered.

"Thank you," I breathed, relieved.

She walked closer to me, either in fear or shyness, and I remembered something else. An image flashed in my mind, of Chihiro kneeling on cold grass, behind a building. She seemed almost transparent, as if she was fading away from existence. I had been searching for her everywhere because someone was also looking for her, but I had found her, crying, scared.

I placed my arm around her and she jumped, I gave her something to eat and she was reluctant at first but eventually she ate it and calmed down. I had felt a rare happiness. It was a powerful, potent feeling to protect her because I had met her once before, and I had never forgotten her. But this made no sense now; I had only met her a month ago. But this month has been strange, weird, almost like my lack of memory from before two years ago. The only thing I remember is being adopted on a rainy day. I could recall the hopelessness, the feelings of confusion but nothing else.

I wonder: what is my past? Have I forgotten something?

Could that something possibly be more important than anything else? Could it be the answer to these strange visions, flashbacks and the answer to the hollow feeling in my heart?

I've never felt this horrid, wonderful, sickening yet wonderful feeling of need mixed with affection. I wanted to remember, so badly, I wanted to _know._

And I'd strive for that knowledge, no matter what it took, the price or what I'd have to sacrifice. I just wanted to know, what my attraction to this silly, clumsy girl meant to me because I was starting to ponder whether it was more important that I ever thought it was. But I felt drawn to her and this was apparent as I took a step towards Chihiro, not understanding _why_ I was doing this. Why was I doing anything anymore? I never seemed to have a reason or motive; I've started to act impulsively, which wasn't like me at all. But she didn't seem to completely shy away either, if her step towards me was a clue.

Her face, her whole body seemed to be in close proximity to mine. I could clearly see the expression in her eyes, the confusion and intelligence in them. I inwardly scoffed at myself for thinking her dim-witted. I felt ashamed and angry with myself for ignoring her in the beginning. I hadn't appreciated her at all, hadn't even stopped to think about how she could do things to make me laugh.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Realization and Worry

The guilt struck me and I stepped away, breaking the moment. Losing it forever. The wind was a slight breeze now and I felt the refreshing air calm me. Chihiro, on the other hand, seemed to be on the verge of collapsing. Her face was still with horror yet contemplating at the same time. Then, her mouth slowly seemed to open, she looked as if she were about to give a long and emotional speech. Despite the situation, the setting and my unsettling anger, I chuckled a lighthearted tune. It seemed too happy for the present situation but I couldn't help myself.

"Why are you laughing?" She asked.

I shook my head with a smile.

Knowing my departure was long overdue; I turned on my heels and took a step forward.

I heard her voice in a shrill call, "Wait!" and she pulled on my shirt.

Sighing, I turned to face her. It was really dark now, dark enough for my parents and younger brother to worry about me. I had run out without telling them when I would return after all. I wondered whether she'd take a long time then mentally slapped myself for being so rude. She looked nice…now.

Her hair kept blowing softly in her ponytail every time a nice breeze came through. She was a bit shorter than me, a nice height, nice everything. I studied the highlights of her face that came from the street lamps. I must get going now. Yet I didn't want to leave, I enjoyed her company; hopefully as much as she enjoyed mine.

"Kohaku, wait."

Confusion shrouded my mind. For a minute, I was shocked.

Did she call me by another boy's name? Did she mispronounce my name? _How_ could she have made a mistake with my name, for God's _sake_! No, I probably heard wrong. _No_, a voice growled inside of me, _she clearly said Kohaku_. Yet that was similar to my name. But Haku wasn't a nickname, it wasn't short for Kohaku. Haku was my name. Just. Haku.

The lightheartedness was gone from my voice and when I spoke, my words felt cold and harsh, although I didn't mean it to happen.

"My name is Haku."

She tugged on my shirt again, "No! Kohaku- Haku, fine, whatever you want to be called, that's your _real_ name! Don't you remember? Remember, I'm Sen! Or, that's what I was called there, in the Spirit World, and you helped me. You helped me escape, Haku."

Her voice was thick with nostalgia. Regretfully, I panicked. I stared at her, afraid, as I saw her crying. Who was the one who wanted to comfort her when she cried? I did. Who's horrified at the sight of her crying for something I have no idea about?

I am.

I stood still for a moment, not knowing what to do. It was an awkward pause and her face was in a strange chagrin; however, the instinct to protect her arose inside of me.

I approached her slowly, not wanting her to flinch and I slowly drew one hand up towards her face. She kept still, only watching me as I laid my hand to rest on her wet check, stained with tears. I don't know what came over me, but my other hand instantly came to her other check. I cradled her soft face in my hands, willing her to stop crying.

I wanted to see her laugh again. I wanted to see her dorky, quirky smile, as bright as a dying star. I wanted to watch her as she made her incredulous expression that caused me to laugh that day in detention.

"Please don't cry. Why are you crying?"

Then her strange chagrin transformed to a livid, weak smile. A giggle escaped from her lips; my body relaxed.

"Because I'm happy. I'm happy that you came back for me, like you promised. I'm glad for your freedom, too. And the fact that everything is fine and that we can be together now."

Her hand rose up to hold mine.

But the confusion was still there, overwhelmingly so. I had no idea what Chihiro was talking about. I had no idea what she was referring to when she spoke of my "freedom," or my "real name."

How I wish I knew.

I wish this wouldn't seem as ludicrous as it was to me. Yet I tried to be gentle and understanding with her, "I don't remember any promise, I'm sorry but I don't know what you're talking about."

She stepped back from me and I released her face.

"You still don't remember?" she urged, "But- but you left that place! You should remember that you're really a river spirit or god, or whatever and that you can shape shift into a dragon, and-!"

"No," I insisted, "those things don't exist. How could they? All this talk about gods and river spirits, they don't _exist_. I _can't_ be a god."

Surely that was a valid point. I was as far from a supernatural being as a dog.

"Listen, Chihiro," I spoke slowly so that every word would seep into her mind deeply, "Kohaku is not my name. My name is Haku; it has been even before I was adopted two years ago. Your name is Chihiro; I don't know who Sen is."

Chihiro was still convinced she was right. Where was she _getting_ this story from?

"But that's just it!" She exclaimed. "Two years ago, I moved here, two years ago, I was Spirited Away. Two years ago," she hesitated, "you helped me return to the normal world and promised to meet me again! You have to remember, Haku! You just _have_ to!"

She grabbed my shirt, while I leaned back to place distance between ourselves. I just can not find a reason to believe in her story. It just doesn't _work _that way. Those things don't exist, there's only one world, only Haku, only Chihiro, only Sean.

This was exhausting.

"I have to go."

And it was the truth. It was extremely late, I was supposed to be back home hours ago and I was uncomfortable, having her ramble on about fantasy worlds. Although I felt horrid, I turned my back to her and left.

That night, I had to take sleeping pills in order to close my eyes.

I sat next to Alice in history. Of course, I had the window seat. She was sitting on my right. Her hair had gotten noticeably longer now, flowing down her back, shining in the sunlight. Moving when she did as she wrote notes on the French Revolution. I tore my eyes from her hair to stare at the trees outside. I could see them swaying, almost hear the low, whining sound the wind made. Then the gentle whooshing of the trees, its brown leaves falling and flying through the air, as if they were weightless. I almost wished I was a leaf, well not the mindless part so much, but the weightlessness. I would give anything to fly out of this classroom and avoid going home. There was nothing for me here; I already knew all there was to know about the French Revolution.

Especially the French Revolution. I could tell you almost anything about it. The people, the dates, the actions, the mobs. Try me. I can see my teacher, Mr. Hawlsworth eyeing me suspiciously. No, Mr. Hawlsworth, I am not listening, just as you thought. I'm not even looking at you; you're not important enough to pay attention to. Don't feel offended though, I'm in a dismissive mood today, Mr. Hawlsworth.

"The Bastille was stormed on…Haku, would you care to tell us the _exact_ date?"

Who? Me? Alright, I'll tell you.

I sighed and turned my head to face him, making sure he can see the bored look on my face: "Around eight-hundred people, most of them shopkeepers, artisans and the like, marched to the Bastille to search for weapons for the militia. Accidentally, the troops began to shoot into crowd and killed ninety-eight people while wounding many others. The mob stormed the great fortress, with ten-foot-thick walls, and eventually gained entrance. Then, they released seven prisoners, whom none were imprisoned for political reasons. Four were forgers, two were noblemen kept for immoral behavior and one was a murder suspect. Afterwards, they killed a few troops and Governor Marquis Bernard de Launay. They beat him, killed him, and decapitated him; they placed his head on a pike and proceeded to parade around the city, head and all, July 14th, 1789."

I turned my head away from him and proceeded to look outside. I didn't enjoy watching the teacher's face turn red, as if he was about to internally combust at any moment. I tuned out the snickers, gasps, giggles, and laughter. None of it mattered, who cared? I leaned my head on my right hand, closing my eyes for a moment, breathing in the icy air, wishing I was outside.

"Haku."

I opened my eyes and turned to face Alice. She was whispering, trying not to get caught.

"Yes?" I asked, trying to be polite.

"Why? You were so mean to him…"

Oh, I hope I didn't ruin your fantasy of me. Some gorgeous, charming prince who would rescue you and we'd live happily ever after.

"I just had a bad morning. That's all," I reassured her, fake smile and all.

Well, it wasn't really fake I suppose. More like…forced. Yes, that's it. A forced smile.

"Oh, I see. Well, are you okay? What happened?" she inquired.

If it were any other person, I'd spit out that it wasn't their business, but Alice's calm, quiet, honest water-blue eyes kept my temper in check. I would never be able to yell at Alice. It'd be like killing two children, or something of the sort. Maybe I'm thinking too much about the French Revolution. How could I compare Marie Antoinette's children with Alice? I need more sleep, definitely.

"I don't really want to talk about it. But I've been meaning to tell you, the party's date has been arranged."

Her eyes lit up with a golden light, the sides of her mouth twitched into a smile.

"William's party?"

"Yes," I sheepishly smiled at her.

"Oh, that's wonderful! When will it be? I'm sure Bradley will be thrilled. He loves going to parties. Party animal," she giggled.

It was a heavenly, innocent sound, angelic, almost. She stopped to see me staring and she smiled, her white teeth gleaming, the necklace on her lightly cream colored skin shining.

"Your younger brother's name is Bradley?"

"Yes, my mother's always wanted a boy so she could name him 'Bradley.' I thought it was silly and when I told her, she got mad at me."

She giggled again.

"So when is it?" she asked again.

"November 26th. It's a Saturday; from 1 p.m. to 6 p.m."

"I'll be there. I mean− my brother and I."

"Good, I wouldn't want to be stuck with a bunch of wild little kids."

"Me either."

When school was let out, I stood still for a moment to feet the cold wind bite into me. It was autumn and I hugged my jacket closer to myself. I could feel the happiness Alice had given me seep away, melt off of me and fall to the ground with every step I took. I would give just about anything to fly out of here, into another world, somewhere, anywhere else.

I was afraid to face my little brother and mother. It was strange, having a heavy weight in my stomach. I've never felt so disgraced, or so ashamed of myself. I was embarrassed, almost more than when…

No, I wanted to forget that too. There were so many things I wanted to forget, to wash away, to rid myself of. But then again I felt as if I didn't have anything, as if I had to support the things I didn't have with everything I had. It was confusing, I was confused. I felt emotionally starved, heavy. I trudged along the streets, letting the cold numb me. Maybe it wouldn't be as confusing if I couldn't feel anything. If I could just stop trying to understand, to make something out of everything and anything. I could just let whatever it was fall. Maybe it'd break, then maybe I'd know what it was. But then it would be too late to save it, it'd be broken. Like a broken promise. An empty one as well.

What did Marie Antoinette say when she was told the French people were starving?

"Let them eat cake."

How hilarious. Mother is probably flipping through magazines, researching, trying to find the perfect cake for William. I bit my lip, hard. Guilt smacked me in the face, cold and sharp. I'd burdened my entire family. Mother was going to pick up William, something I always do, because of my selfishness. How could I be such an idiot? I didn't mean what I'd said…did I? No, I didn't. I couldn't believe the words I'd spoken this morning, they had probably been a deep cut for everyone. I had definitely hit below the belt, as they say. I knew from the shocked, sickened looks on their faces that I had acted like an immature, selfish teenager.

But isn't that what I am?

I've never been like this. All these emotions, these inexplicable impulses. They're dangerous and they frighten me. Honest to God, they scare me. I never know when I might snap, when I could just burst, explode and hurt someone. I can't control my emotions either, one minute I'm calm and the next I'm dizzy with anger.

What does it mean?

I don't know. All I know is that I won't go home, I refuse, I won't dare to show my face there as long as I can help it. I'm just too ashamed; I'd prefer to save face, at least a little. I'd like to retain some dignity, the little left I haven't thrown away.

I walked past my home, taking the long route to the park to fully avoid William's school. I ran the last three blocks there, as if running would help me to escape my fears and my emotions. The air that came out of my mouth was warm and visible. Running with my mouth open had left my throat raspy; it stung and hurt to breathe. I smiled unenthusiastically as I saw that monument I had found Chihiro under. I walked over to it and sat under it, reminiscing in days that were less complicated. Like those first days I had seen her. I remember it as if it happened yesterday.

_"Did you come here to find me like you said you would?"_

She looked frightened.

_"What?"_

I was annoyed.

_"Don't you remember me?"_

She was anxious.

_"What are you talking about? I've never seen you in my life."_

I was cruel.

I frowned as I remembered her face. The tears pouring silently down her cheeks as I walked down the halls, uncaring. I longed to return to that day, to crouch down to comfort her. To tell her I did remember her, although I didn't. Anything to keep her from crying, anything to make her smile.

When did it all become so complicated?

It had been so simple before. Woke up, got out textbooks, did work, had Mother check it, did a few classes online, go out for a stroll, pick up William. It was all so planned, so scheduled, so _easy_. But now that I recall, it was lonely. I had no one to speak to other than William and that's how I developed such a strong bond with him. He always follows me around, at least he used to. Now that I think about it, he's not so attached to me anymore.

When did this all happen?!

I sighed, glancing at my watch; I've been here for an hour. I knew Mother, Father and William would worry. I should get going now, but I didn't want to. I simply didn't want to face them. Damn it, I was such a coward. I sucked it up and walked out of the park, taking the short cut home.

I got home, opened the door to find William sitting in the living room, doing homework. Mother was over his shoulder, her long black hair falling over her shoulder. I closed the door and they both stared at me silently. I stood there while it all rushed back to me.

_"William? What about him?! Why is it always him?!"_

_"Haku…"_

_"William! William! William! Are you ever going to ask me whether I enjoy school? Because I loathe it. I despise it. All the kids, everyone, everything."_

"_A-are you okay? Honey, dear, what's wrong? What happened? I was only talking about how William loves his school and his friends. There's nothing to be upset about."_

"_You're right, nothing to be upset about because none of it matters. Who cares? I don't. I don't think I'll ever care."_

I wish I could disappear from their eyes. But I had to face it, I wasn't going to run. I stepped closer to them. Mother had a worried expression, she was afraid I'd yell again. But it hurt more when I saw William's face. His face was full of guilt, as if was all his fault, I knew he was listening, that's why I yelled it.

I bowed, deep and slow.

"I am so sorry. I…don't know what came over me. I truly don't. I'm so sorry, please accept my apologies. I'll never act out again, I'll do anything to appease you, I'll-"

Mother lifted her hand to my shoulder and bore me with her deep, chocolate eyes: "Hush now child. No need to fret. I was worried about you, that's all."

"But, I was so rude, so immature and selfish."

"I accept your apologies, Haku. Dear, we won't blame you for it, you were right, I never ask for your opinion on anything, I won't make that mistake again. I love you, remember that."

Her eyes twinkled with ease and care, then she embraced me, long and hard.

She let go and I saw William throw his books on the floor and run up to me as well. I smiled and rubbed his head, and he embraced me. I laughed, chuckled with pleasure. I was so pleased they didn't hate me, I was truly grateful for my family.

"Haku," mother began, "your dad's out getting your favorite. We thought we'd make it up to you."

I felt guilty again. I had yelled at them and they were comforting _me_?

"No, that's not necessary, really…"

"It's fine. We should do something special for you once in a while. You certainly deserve it with your grades."

We all smiled at each other with warmth. I couldn't wish for a better family.

Dinner was miraculous, the food was exceptional. My favorite sushi was placed in the center, all for me. I thanked them, over and over, and I apologized, over and over. But they brushed my prior behavior aside and settled to enjoy our meal. Conversation was lively and bright, the air was warm and clean. This normalness helped to push away my fears of everything confusing or irritating. I was relaxed and at ease for what seemed like the first time in years. After dinner, I helped by cleaning the dishes, finished up my homework and putting William to sleep. I turned off the light once he was in his bed, eyes closed.

I turned to walk out but heard a whisper.

"Haku," it called.

"William?" I asked it.

"Are you really okay?"

I chucked, lightheartedly, "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I was scared that you hated me."

An empty pain pounded in my gut and the guilt returned, silent and deadly. I smiled reassuringly into the darkness, "No, I don't hate you. I'm sorry about before, I really don't know what came over me. But never think that I hate you, just ignore me when I get like that, okay?"

"Okay," he whispered.

"Good night," I called before closing the door.

"Night," was his reply.

I walked back into the living room to where Mother and Father were watching something on TV. Father patted the empty place beside him on the white sofa, I sat and waited.

"William tells me that your friend's little brother is his friend?"

"Yes," I replied, "can she come to the party?"

"Of course dear," Mother smiled.

After the movie, I settled into bed, carefree, happy. Though I had a strange dream, something that left me puzzled.

I was gliding through the air but it wasn't a peaceful trip. I was worried and rushed. I could feel the power flowing through me as I swam through the sky; I was in pain, every inch of my body hurt. I could even smell the rancid blood in my mouth. I hit a building, made my way through a window. Then blackness overcame me for a moment. I was falling and then I awoke, flew to somewhere with someone on my back, holding on tight. I came upon a large room, a coal room, where they heated the water…

I thrashed about, spilling my blood everywhere. It hurt so much; I was in so much pain. And then the voice:

It was heavenly, full of love and worry.

_Can we meet again?_

_I'm sure._

_Promise?_

_Promise._

I awoke then. My eyelids flashed open, my voice weak, my hands gripping my sheets. **I remember.**

That was the last conversation I had with Chihiro, when she had rescued her parents and freed herself from Yu BaBa. Now I remember flying towards Zeniba's home, finding her there, filled with admiration and sure affection for the girl who had risked so much for her parents and for me. I remember the flight back, when she told me my name and I reminded her of her little pink shoe. We were falling through the sky, I was as happy as I'd ever been.

I checked my clock: 9:30 in the night. I sighed with disappointment. I couldn't wait to tell her. I couldn't wait for us to…

To what?

I gritted my teeth in anger as the realization that Yu Baba was still looking for me filled my mind. I knew she wouldn't give up, not if it was me. What have I done? Why did I put Chihiro in danger? Her safety was too important to place before my happiness, it was too soon to let her know, she'd only be more at risk.

I'd have to pretend I don't know. Although I knew it would pain me, grip my heart into a maddening frenzy, I had to do it. For Chihiro.

The next day, after school, I was in the kitchen, drinking a glass of ice-cold water, hoping it would make my insides numb to everything and anything. I heard the door bell and shot a glance at my parent's hallway. I guess their TV was on, I didn't hear footsteps. It was strange to have someone come without prior notice. I walked swiftly before another ring could disturb everyone. When I placed my hand on the knob, fear stirred inside me, echoing in the hollow silence. The stench of horror filled my nose. I knew what this was about before I opened the door and saw Lin. **I should have known.**

I knew that the situation had turned for the worse as soon as I laid my eyes on her terrified, pathetic state. Her eyes were wide, watery, her shoulders hunched with stress and her eyebrows furrowed with worry. Her arm reached out and grabbed me; I was dragged to the sidewalk.

"We have to go back," she stated.

I tried to pull myself from her grasp but she held on tightly.

"I can't." I declared.

"She has Shin. I know it. I was worried about why Shin had suddenly gone on a vacation without telling me or inviting me. I hadn't told anyone about his impromptu trip because I was worried about the rumors that would fly, but… now I'm starting to worry. He hasn't called, emailed, written, nothing. Don't you see, Haku? There's only one answer to this. Payback for what we did!"

No, I can't. I've risked this much, I've done so much, I've finally seen Chihiro, and I remember…this can't be happening. I'm so sorry, Lin. I know we did this together, sacrificed our lives to come here but I'm too selfish to give up Chihiro. But I'm too cowardly to say this out loud to her. I just stood staring at her sad eyes. Eyes filled with worry for the one she loves. I can sympathize yet I cannot comply.

"Please Haku. If we don't get him back…"

I clench my teeth and growled, "I'm not going back."

In surprise at my cold remark, she released my shirt. I closed my eyes for a moment and moved back from her. The air was so cold, almost as cold as me. I knew I was heartless but I even surprised myself now.

"What?" she whispered, hurt.

"I'm not going back. I've finally released myself from that hell and if I go back, she'll find me for sure. Everything I did to get out of there will be for nothing. And I can't throw what I have away. Not now."

. I didn't mean to, really, but I really upset her. Her eyes were tearing in a furious rage.

"Don't act like the only one who had to suffer to get out of there! We were both in on it! I know the risk! But think Haku, if I don't get Shin back, he'll be killed. And there goes my happiness. How would you feel if she ripped Chihiro away from you? Or would you feel nothing?"

Of course I'd feel something. I'd feel anger, despair, rage, sadness, everything in one. But how would she know? She's not me. I've learned to hide my emotions, to be cold and emotionless.

She looked at me as if I was a filthy vermin. I could see she hated me, distrusted me, just as before, just as everyone despised me before. It's such a shame I've learned not to care.

"Do you know how much pain and suffering you've caused her? Do you realize how much she loves you? Every little thing you do, she reacts to. Everything you say, she takes to heart. I'm sick of picking up after you Haku! You leave her shattered every time you reject her. You kill her-!"

"That's enough!" I yelled.

This was so hard, to contain my rage when _she_ dares to suggest I kill Chihiro! How _could_ she even mention that! She knows I'd never do anything along those lines, I care too deeply, hurt too deeply. She's the emotionless, cold-hearted one now; I know she's trying to manipulate me into helping her. But I was through with being manipulated.

"If I return, I may never be able to com back again. You suggest I'm the one who hurts Chihiro, but what about you? Only caring for yourself! If I never came back, how would Chihiro fare then? You're selfish, just like me."

"She _took_ Shin. Don't you understand? If I stay here, I'll be alone."

I wanted to help her, despite everything, the risks, the danger. I should have stayed cold. This caring about other people really stirs up trouble.

I sighed, "Would she take Chihiro back to the Spirit World?"

"Chihiro earned her freedom. She can't be taken back by force, but if she were to go back voluntarily, then…"

"I know," I looked at her, "but I won't be as good a use as last time. I can't transform into a dragon anymore."

She just smiled, "We'll see."

That smile frightened me, in an exhilarating way. I frowned then, thinking about my parents, what they would do if I never came back. I knew it'd kill them inside. But my instinct overcame my reason and I walked back up to my home, opened the door and outright lied.

"Mother, I'm going to spend the night at a friend's house, is that fine with you? I know it's a school night, but we have a really large project to do."

I saw her black, straight hair, wet from her shower. She looked worried, yet angelic, the perfect mother.

"Are you sure, honey? It's really last minute."

"Yes, its fine," I smiled then, the fakest, coldest smile. Before I stepped inside my home, I whispered, "Wait right there." Then I packed up, taking extra food and money, just in case. Although I knew I wouldn't need it in the Spirit World. I said goodbye to Mother and walked out again into the cool, crisp afternoon. As soon as I reached her, Lin broke out into a run. I ran beside her, feeling my hair whip around in the wind. I couldn't help but worry and so I asked,

"You promise she'll be safe from her?"

Lin thought it over and replied without looking at me, "What could she possibly have that she would want? She's safe- just as long as she doesn't know what we're doing and comes to try and follow us."

"Are you trying to make me worry?" I spat.

"Maybe just a little. It's not good to be so carefree in the world, you know."

If she thought I was carefree, she had no idea how wrong she was.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight:

Chapter Eight:

"Under the Influence"

All I wanted to do was run. Feel the cold air rushing into my face, washing through my hair, feel the wind on my clothes, threatening to pull me higher, and farther. Until no one could reach me anymore. I wanted to change so badly, feel my body morph into a form so magnificent, my true shape. To fly in the sky, knowing you could defy the natural laws of the mortals was amazing in a way.

I wanted to glide through the air in the exact opposite direction I was heading towards now. How did Lin ever convince me to go along with her? Did I care for Shin? No. I cared for Chihiro, I wanted to fly to her, keep her safe from that wretched woman. So why was I ignoring my gut intuition and risking the freedom I've worked to hard to obtain? Because I'm an idiot.

My chest burned. I felt my breath lock up in my lungs from the anxiety that was racing through my mind. I did _not_ want to return. Just the possibility of being captured, detained and being stripped of my _life_ made my mood grow into an intense, desperate anger. I could hear our footsteps so clearly, hers and mine. She was lagging a bit behind now, her mouth emitting these gasping noises. I wanted to snap at her, all of this was her fault and she dared to lag behind? Where was her pride? She doesn't understand anything, does she think me a child! How insolent!

"Haku?" she gasped.

I closed my eyes, still running, wanting to yell at her.

My voice was filled with ice. "What?"

I turned to face her and saw her flushed cheeks contrast to the porcelain white of her skin. Her eyes withdrew from me, from my gaze and I saw the subtle lines on her forehead, the lines on her face, which was as clear as a book. She was so easy to read, and I could see her sadness, her determination, and even the hidden guilt she had.

"Never mind."

I turned and kept my feet moving, kept my arms pumping, feeling the strain I was placing on my human body. I'd do anything to be rid of the look on her face. I couldn't stand anyone feeling sorry for me. She knew my deepest secret, even though I've never told anyone. She had seen my face that day, when all I could do was stare at her back as she left, without glancing back. I had held her hand, the sun shining brightly on us. I knew how much she had missed her parents, how much she needed her life, her home.

She had asked me, _How about you, Haku?_

_I'll go back to my own world too._

But when she looked down at the plain of grass, her eyes bright with happiness and let go of my hand, I knew I couldn't. She started down the steps, faster as Chihiro closed the distance between herself and the place she belonged. Her thin legs carrying her farther away and her arms high, I wondered if she would miss me. When she didn't look back, my smiled faded and my heart shook with resolution. I knew I had to find her, I had to keep my promise.

That was my only weakness, the only cause for me to fill with dread and loathe Lin. If I lost her, never be able to see her face, her expressions…

If I couldn't see her again, I would never forgive Lin. It's the only real reason for me to be so frightened to return to the Spirit World. I shouldn't risk it, the consequences were just that grave. How would I live with myself if I just disappeared? She'd know, and she wouldn't be able to do anything about it. She wouldn't run after us, would she? She knew that place wasn't for her.

I have done so much to see her! And now, I was just throwing it all away. I never thought I would return, I had never planned…

If she had turned around two years ago, what would she have done when she saw my face? Did I mean that much to her? To stay in the Spirit World, she would have given up her life and her parents. That's why I wouldn't stop her. I'd go to her, because to leave the Spirit World, I really wouldn't be sacrificing anything important.

_Two years ago_

_I let her go, I have to. What else could I possibly do? She has to go back home, to her parents, to her life. But I don't want to let her go, she means too much to me now. She's done so much for me, I owe her my life and my freedom. I should turn around, my body has to, yet I can't. My chest feel heavy, how did this happen? How did someone like me let a human girl change his world? There's a feeling something's wrong with me, but there isn't anything wrong. I'm such a nervous wreck. How did this happen to me? The past few months have made me feel as if I've been born for the first time, the feelings and sensations raw, clear, burning. Oh god, it hurt. To let her go. _

_I heard footsteps in the grass, so my head turned and a worker was there. My brain registered her face; she's been working under Yubaba for a while now, cleaning the bathhouse, she was Chihiro's friend. But why was she here? The workers despised me, treated the air around me like a poison. I was always avoided, why not now? Something had changed. _

"_You want off, right? Let's make a deal."_

_At first, comprehension was on a completely different planet than my own. All those sharpened feelings simply suffocated my thinking, I was intoxicated. But her name appeared in my head and I said it out loud._

"_Lin?"_

_Her mouth formed a smile, a small one. Still, the reason why she was speaking to me wasn't clear. Just because she was Chihiro's friend didn't mean she was mine by association. It didn't work that way. The barrier between us had been so clear before, something that was never crossed, Lin knew that. Why did she decide to step over it now? My eyes tore from Lin's to stare at the place were Chihiro had been. She was long gone now, too far for me to scream, too far for me to follow, even if I flew. My mouth opened and a sigh was building in me. But I never sighed, my stoic composure never broke, never ever cracked. Lin's eyes flashed with pity, a sadness directed at me, because she knew what I had lost. Loss was the word that described the rationale behind my actions from that point on._

"_If you want to follow her out of here, you're going to need me."_

_Me? Need her? Never. Asking for help wasn't possible, not for me. When did I ask for help? Not even on my deathbed. There was a way for me to follow her, to escape my chains and go after her, I remembered my name. Did she? Without it, you'll never escape, it can't be done._

"_Need you? Why would I need you?"_

_Her face was set in stone, yet she hesitated before she responded._

"_Do you even remember your name?" I spat. _

"_Uh no," she took a step closer, "but I have things to offer you!"_

_Oh, please. Spare me the details. I forced my emotions down my throat, ignoring them, returning to my famous icy personality. My legs moved of their own accord, past Lin. _

"_What could you possibly offer me?"_

_I whispered, "It's _me_ you need."_

"_Haku, listen to me. You aren't exactly in the position where you can escape unnoticed. I could, possibly, since I'm just a lowly worker who Yubaba barely sees, but you are her main servant! She'd notice the second you walked out the door. And if she didn't, I'm sure one of the other workers would turn you in. I have friends among the workers, and could easily ask them to turn the other way. Why would you even think about dismissing the connections I have that could help you?"_

"_I don't need your connections. I'll find my own way."_

"_No," her head was facing the ground, her voice strong, certain, "Yubaba won't let you leave. You do need my help."_

_And I knew she was right. The main prisoner to Yubaba, the most important, has the tightest, heaviest chains. There was no possible way for me to slip through them and fly away. _

"_What do you want in return?"_

_She smiled, "Take me with you."_

"_We'll have to make this quick. I had to lie to all my coworkers about where I was going. Currently, I have a very bad stomachache and am barfing in the toilet. What about you?"_

"_Was that a serious question?"_

"_Right, so here's the deal: You take me with you, and I'll use my connections to get us out of here. Got it?"_

_I'm doing this for her, there's no other reason. Just deal with this idiot for a little while and I'll be free. Hopefully, once freedom is within my grasp, there will be no further need to speak with her. _

_The last time I had been in the boiler room had been permanently etched into my mind. It hadn't even been that long ago, two days? Three?_

_ I promise I'll be back Haku._

_ You can't die._

_That time, she saved my life._

"_Yes, I got it."_

_The boiler man was there, staring at both of us. I looked at him, and he stared at me from behind his glasses. I wasn't sure if I could trust him because I wasn't used to trusting anyone, but I let it go. There was nothing I could do about it. It seemed as if this entire situation, from here on out, wasn't under my control._

"_Now, I was thinking we could just create a distraction or just leave when she's preoccupied. Yubaba can't possibly ALWAYS be on high alert, right?"_

_Wrong. Does she know nothing? If one paid attention to Yubaba's movements, one could tell she's absolutely paranoid. Her only weak point is when she's overconfident, that's the only way to win. _

"_She always is and when she's not, she has others to keep an eye out for her. She has spies and control over every single person; she has every person's real name. Without your name, you're staying here, whether you like it or not. There's no way around it."_

_Lin was silently fuming. I could see her eyebrows coming together, glaring at me with irritation. But I didn't care; if she couldn't face the simple truth she'll be of no use to me. I looked around the room and breathed deeply. Thoughts and memories of Chihiro filled my mind. Did she make it out alright? She had been here for a few months, so her parents might be a little surprised. Was she happy?_

_Did she miss me?_

_My insides ached for her, longed for her hand to hold, for her to laugh and smile. Knowing that I owed her so much only made the situation worse. For a moment, only a few seconds, my eyes closed. The only sounds audible to me were the flames, the tiny soot balls carrying the rocks back and forth, never relenting. That was their job, the reason they existed. _

"_But, you leave all the time! You do all her dirty errands and leave the bathhouse for days on end. You can't expect me to believe this whole name crap if you can leave whenever you want." She exploded. _

_I opened my eyes to stare at her. "Do you actually think it's so easy? How could you be so ignorant? If I didn't have to come back from those disgusting tasks, do you think I would?!"_

"_Ah Lin," the boilerman's voice was calm, "don't get ahead of yourself. Haku is correct. You can't leave without your name."_

"_But– "_

_Where does she think she is? We're under Yubaba's influence; we're slaves for her own profit. _

"_There are no buts. Those train tickets I gave to Chihiro had been sitting in my drawer for years, unused because I can't remember who I am. But I knew she could use them since she knew her name. __Unfortunately, I gave her all my tickets…"_

"_Great!" Lin exclaimed. "Now what?"_

_I knew this would be a waste of time. None of us know her name or have access to it. I began to walk onto the wooden floor and towards the hidden door, I'll just find my own way out, I'll never forget it: Kohaku. The river spirit, it's who I am. _

_My back faced the two friends. "You will not get in the way of my escape. With or without you, I'm going to take my freedom."_

"_But Haku! We had a deal!"_

"_Do you not understand? You do not know your name, you cannot leave. I know my name, so I'm going to leave. Any questions?"_

"_But that just can't be the end of this! I know I can do something. I can–_ _"_

_She had stopped speaking, so I turned my head to her roguish grin. "When's the next time Yubaba leaves?" _

"_She's gone now, but she'll be back in about two hours."_

_Suddenly, Lin walked over to me and grabbed my sleeve. This woman! She dragged me along the room, ignoring my struggling._

"_Here's what we'll do…"_


End file.
